


What a Character

by Doodled93



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Bad Jokes, Behind the Scenes, Comedy, Dirty Jokes, Fanfiction verse, Funny, Humour, Jokes, M/M, Or not, PWP, Satire, author misconcepions, freedom of fiction, how things are, what a character, what if...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-15
Updated: 2012-09-15
Packaged: 2017-11-14 08:08:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/513119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doodled93/pseuds/Doodled93
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A look into what happens while the Harry Potter cast waits for each book to be finished, the trials of being with poor writers, ignorant, lazy, drunk... warning for mild cases of PWP and disclaimer on all that happens action-wise until the end. M just in case, non explicit, but COMPLETE</p>
            </blockquote>





	What a Character

~What a Character.~

Draco took up Harry's lips with his own, and in between groping, asked a vitally important question.

"Why are we doing this? I hate you, and I thought that this wouldn't be happening on this contract."

Harry responded after giving a long suck to the side of Draco's neck.

"If you listen for a moment, you can hear a voice above us." He waited a moment for him to hear it.

"That is the sound of a fanfiction author. Whatever the author writes down we have to do. You should know this by now, haven't you been contracted before? Don't you remember a couple of weeks ago, when I had a sudden orgy in the middle of a Quiddich game?"

Suddenly they were both naked. Draco grabbed Harry's cock and he squeaked.

"Oh, right, that was what that was? How did we get naked?"

Harry listened for a moment before moaning loudly in Draco's ear, which apparently turned him on greatly. According to the writer.

"Apparently we did it with magic."

"What, but neither of us have our wands out—"

A wand suddenly appeared in Draco's hand, and Harry was strapped down to the bed with fluffy metal handcuffs. Both knew that it was impossible for metal to be fluffy.

The wand disappeared.

"Fluffy metal handcuffs? Oh no…"

Draco paused from where he was licking down Harry's torso in question.

"What?"

"Either the usual author is getting lazy and is ignoring any writing instruction they ever got until they edit later, the author is very drunk at the moment, or someone has gotten a hold of the USB Key of Fiction the usual author uses to store all of these situations onto… if either of the former, we will be revisiting this later with much better sex, but if the latter…"

Harry's legs were suddenly strapped so that his calves were stuck to his thighs beneath him, making his back arch up, displaying himself.

Melted chocolate and strawberries appeared on the bedside table.

"Aww, cleaning charms never work with that stupid stuff…"

Draco didn't respond as he had Harry's dick down his throat. Impressive, since according to the authoress he had an 11 by 4 inch wang. Draco made Harry cum for the second time and swallowed.

"If the latter?"

"Then well have to deal with this crap until they get whatever odd, physically impossible kinks out of their minds." Draco thought on this for a moment, absently shoving a strawberry up Harry's ass.

"Don't they have a term for this or something?"

"Ouch, what?"

"You know, something that they add to make whatever they write excusable?"

Droco stopped for a moment to cum three times over Harry's chest. He winced.

"Droco, really? They can't even spell my name right now?"

Harry laughed through a wince. Five more strawberries had made their way up his ass before disappearing. Apparently by magic. Draco suddenly had a wand once more before it disappeared.

" Hermione had to go through one being called Hermynee… I heard that Snape once had to go through some deranged fiction being alternately called Snepe and Snop." Harry was made to cum once more, and winced as well.

Harry had to stop speaking then, because Draco was suddenly straddling his face and he was forced to deep throat him for the next ten minutes. Impressive considering the author mentioned that Harry was a virgin in this tale, but it sure was lucky that he suddenly had no gag reflex. He also apparently didn't have to breathe.

"Ah, that's right. That label that they add on to their stories to make up for their lack of writing skill is PWP. Either that or they put something like 'srry bad summary' in the summary."

When Harry had his mouth free once again, he asked what it stood for.

"Plot, What Plot? I think there are a couple of other long forms, but this one is the only one that comes to mind. Either that, or 'Porn without Plot'."

"Aah." Both were made to cum again, and both groaned at the feeling. They weren't made to do that so many times so quickly. Harry thought of another possibility.

"How about 'Porn without Pleasure' for this one." Draco nodded. Dry-cumming was never as much fun as people made it out to be.

Harry waited out the few minutes in which he was gagged, and the fluffy metal handcuffs were mysteriously switched with sexy black leather straps—oops, make that strops—and resigned himself to having Draco draw 'archaic symbols and stuff' on his chest with the chocolate and lick it off clean.

He was at least happy that the author had made the strawberries disappear, apparently having been removed some time before his legs were strapped together.

It was kind of funny since that meant that they had been taken out before they had been put in.

Harry was fine with that. It meant that he didn't have to clean berry juice out of awkward places.

What he wasn't fine with was Draco pushing an unlubed penis into his unlubed, unprepared ass.

"Holy fuck!" Harry felt tears prick his eyes.

"Shit…" Draco was wincing as he pushed the rest of the way inside.

"The author is a virgin then?" he managed to pant out.

"Apparently."

"An uninformed virgin."

"Apparently."

"I mean, they wouldn't have made us do it dry if they had known… would they?" Draco started thrusting on the authors command.

"This is definitely not the usual author I have to deal with." No, they wouldn't have thought that it would be 'super, SUPER pleasureable' to take it up the ass dry and unprepared, or for it to feel 'orgasimeic' to push into a dry, unprepared virgin, again sans lube.

Harry knew that many 'PWP's weren't _as_ bad as this one, but when he'd been conned into doing this job while his books were being written, he'd managed to stick to the realistic, eccentric in a _different_ way authors. Sure there were a couple of ones where he had to have sex with the odd person, and he didn't always have normal sex, but he could deal with that.

Most of the authors who wrote 'PWP's like this required different Harry Potters, either huge and beefed up by an Alternate Universe where years of malnutrition and being stuck in a cupboard made no difference to the body you grew into, or the nearly female girly Harry Potter, all long limbs and 'ethereal'. There were also the many, MANY 'chibi' Potters that were required, either for scenes like this with some hulking beast/much older student over them, or for the fairly regular Harry-was-sexually-abused-as-a-child fictions. Though, he conceded, occasionally they got the job for the over exaggerated malnutrition cases, where Harry Potter came to school looking like a 7 year old and stayed that way.

But this author pictured him fairly close to how he was, and so now he was stuck bleeding out his arse for this author. He liked the author that he was contracted to, and it was just his bad luck that this impersonator also had his body in mind.

The next few minutes were filled with, what were in reality, awkward and painful thrusts, a painful cramp developing in his legs from having them still bound, and his bindings changed from black leather to red silk, black velvet, and then to green polyester ('to mach his startiling Green eyse') before resolving back to furry metal handcuffs.

Draco was made to cum inside of him, and Harry was thankful that the author at least was stupid enough to write that he was amazingly healed after the ordeal (read: 'amasing sex of his hole life' the virgin Harry says). Harry patted Draco's back in sympathy. He didn't count himself, and he didn't trust the authors ability to count, but Draco had been made to cum 10 times to Harry's 9. It seemed as if Draco would be out of commission for a while after this.

His bindings all disappeared from him before Draco pulled out a wand and 'disappeared them', and Harry worked his jaw.

Gags always made his mouth feel weird afterwards.

Draco winced as he lay down on the bed, and Harry winced in sympathy.

The Author made him healed, but didn't do anything for Draco's own injury.

Harry pulled his actual wand out from under the mattress (not the fake wand that the authors sometimes put into his hand) and murmured a healing spell before putting it back.

Draco made an appreciative sound, and looked at him curiously.

"Don't you leave your wand in your vault?"

Harry shook his head.

"No, I get injured so much in many of these fanfiction, from sex or otherwise, that I keep it with me. Not in an obvious place, or they might make me use a real wand in whatever they write," Draco winced at the thought, "but my wand is well known enough that by having my actual wand in an odd place, it isn't likely that an author who manages to write realistically might be able to make it appear. For this, under the bed. For most other things, strapped between my shoulder blades."

Draco thought for a moment and nodded.

"Makes sense scarhead."

They lapsed into silence for a moment, and the voice from the ceiling slowed to a stop.

"You think they're done?" Draco whispered.

Harry waited for a moment and strained his ears. The author that he was currently contracted to had a laptop that hummed lightly, and if the impersonator was using the USB Key, it was possible they were using the laptop.

The hum was there.

"Not quite yet."

They waited.

"I have to admit, as bad a writer as this author is, being contracted with you is much better than being contracted with Pansy."

"The author we're actually contracted to is a much better writer actually… what's wrong with working with Pansy?" Harry wondered which version of Pansy he'd had to work with…

"Pansy wouldn't have been bad if the last author didn't have such a good grasp on what she's actually like." Ah.

"The last time I had to work with Pansy, I got to work with the nice and friendly, misunderstood Pansy."

Draco sighed and stretched out on the bed. "I never get to work with that Pansy, I always get stuck with the marriage-obsessed, pug faced bitch Pansy." Harry winced.

One of the last multi-chaptered fictions his author had had a confrontation between Draco, Pansy (as Draco's wife) and himself. A different Draco had been there, childish, young looking, with an ugly expression always on his face, but had been swapped out by the end of the story for a much more princely version. The princely version had killed Pansy for trying to kill Harry (who, in the fiction was a King), and by the end of the fiction there had been some rather intimate scenes between the two. Nothing like this, or even going as far as having sex, but Harry had been in enough romances that he recognized it.

The author must have gotten their mind made up about what Draco would look like to them between then and now for this Draco to be contracted with him, and Harry wondered if his Author was starting to get into 'Slash', or 'yaoi'.

Why it was called 'slash' was beyond him, but it made sense if many people thought this was what having gay sex was like. Slash sounded painful, and Harry was still experiencing phantom pains.

Harry had almost been contracted for a yaoi 'doujinshi', but the artist/author of that didn't have the right drawing skills, and a Harry Potter with larger eyes and rather cartoonish hands got the job.

The voice started up again, stuttering to a stop several times as the author wrote and rewrote what was going to happen next.

Both Harry and Draco breathed a sigh of relief when it seemed the last bit of this 'PWP' fiction was going to be them cuddling. They could deal with cuddling after that nightmare.

As the story seemed to wind down to an end the voice cut off.

The _Diiiing_ noise that indicated that things were being saved started up, but was also abruptly stopped.

Harry smiled. The actual author was back, and apparently found the imposter.

Draco had guessed what had happened as well, and they shared a grin.

The di-di-di-di-di sound of things being deleted and wiped from the computer started up, and Harry felt significantly more clean as the chocolate-play he'd had to deal with was made to have never happened. The phantom pain in both disappeared, and they each got up from the bed.

Draco stretched and shrugged his shoulders to get his clothing to drape properly, and Harry tied up his sneakers.

"It'll be nice working with you next story." Harry held out his hand.

Draco clasped it and shook. "So that wasn't the author I signed on for?"

"Nope. But, I think that the actual author is starting to get into the category called 'slash' or 'yaoi', but I don't think they'll ever lower themselves to _this_ level. This author actually uses spell check on the rare occasions they make mistakes. Grammar isn't always the best, but the author usually fixes it eventually"

Draco shrugged one shoulder.

"I think I can deal with that. And don't try to make me believe that you know _anything_ about grammar, Potter."

Harry grinned and took his wand from beneath the mattress. "Bet I know more about it than you do."

The hum coming from the ceiling slowed to a stop. Harry shoved his wand up his sleeve and they picked up their jackets from the coat rack.

They headed for the door, turned out the lights, and shut the door on the now empty room.

They waved goodbye to a group of Nevilles and to the receptionist as they left, sharing stories about the various authors they'd had to work with.

**End.**

**Author's Note:**

> So how was that? That is my spoof on the PWP stories that I've read that have entirely unrealistic sex. From supersized penises and a distinct lack of lube, to spelling mistakes and mid-story changes, I've been irritated and squicked out to no end. They have things taken out before they've even been put in, they've had characters with balls that must be like basket balls with how much they've cum, there are CHARACTER NAMES misspelled (though I can deal with the mistake of Blaise vs. Blaize), and that makes me wonder if they have ever even read what they've written…
> 
> There have been a number of PWP fiction (and I say PWP because that's what it is, even if it isn't labelled as such) that puts the characters into odd bondage positions, and mention nothing of the discomfort it brings. There have been a number of creepy, creepy scenes, made creepier by the fact that their mc's are made to be like children (or ARE children), rape scenes that make e worry for the people in those authors' home towns, and I could go on and on about this, but I will end it with bad grammar.
> 
> I know I am not always the best with grammar, but I at least go over things later. At LEAST, okay?
> 
> If you add PWP, it does not give you an excuse to suck (haha, innuendo).
> 
> By writing in your summary that it's a bad summary and that we should just read, few people will 'just read'. Even if your story sounds good from the summary, as soon as you write that, I don't read it. If it's a bad summary, you're probably not that great of a writer either. If you don't like that I'm saying that your story probably sucks, having judged you by your summary, well you were the one that said your summary was bad in the first place. Sucks for you, and try checking out your read count in your later chapters compared to the first chapter. If the 1st chapters have many, many more reads than the latter chapters, try removing that personal diss from your summary and see what happens.
> 
> You only suck so much as you let yourself.
> 
> (haha, I'm funny :D jk)
> 
> So yeah, there's my bit of rantage, out in the web as fiction for people to read.
> 
> *sigh* I think I've done my best to get my point across.
> 
> I used Harry potter because I'm currently working on the 10th chapter of my own Harry Potter Fiction (it's not up yet because I'm going to try having up to 15 chapters done before posting the first chapter—less of a rush to get long chapters done quickly) in between working on VE and CFK updates. (*EDIT: I already have it posted, I've just moved this from my ffn.net account to here.)
> 
> I use short form for my story titles, deal with it.
> 
> So, yeah, if you liked any of the scenes in this, you happen to like something I don't, and I'm sorry to say that I won't be writing anything like this in the future. Reviews may make me write something special, just for you, but it would take a lot of reviews to make me do that.
> 
> *hint*
> 
> …
> 
> *Hint hint* *nudge nudge*
> 
> Please review :D if you have nothing to say, at least congratulate me on my first one-shot, and my first story that I can click the 'complete' button on the status category for it :D
> 
> Yay!
> 
> ~Doodled93~


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